Mom Burnout: Is this Normal? What Can We Do About It?
Updated: 3 days ago
The moms are not okay. Scores of articles have emerged on "depleted mother syndrome," highlighting that moms are struggling to do it all. Even with increasing awareness about maternal mental health, research is showing that mothers' health (physical and mental) is declining across all social groups, with single and low SES mothers experiencing the hardest hits (1). Mothers are experiencing constant pressure from competing values. We want to be good mothers--raising our children to be healthy, kind, and independent. We want to be good partners--being emotionally and physically connected with our loved one. We want to be good family members--oftentimes taking care of aging parents or ill siblings. We are also sometimes trying to be good employees; we are trying to climb that corporate ladder, keep our professional identity alive (that we worked so hard for), and provide for our families. And then there is ourselves; we are trying to care for our physical, mental, and spiritual selves. We are trying to keep our personal identity alive while holding up all of these other responsibilities (2). Moms are burning the candle at both ends and feeling it. At any given moment, moms are tired, overwhelmed, and overstimulated. Many moms are suffering from a psychiatric diagnosis related to their struggles, such as depression, anxiety, OCD, and even psychosis. The first year postpartum is a time when women are especially vulnerable to these conditions, with one in five mothers suffering from a psychiatric diagnosis.
Mom Burnout
Because of competing pressures and demands and limited support, many mothers are experiencing some variation of burnout. Burnout can look different for every individual. One study demonstrated that burnout varies in four key ways.
First, some experience burnout through emotional distancing. Mothers may feel disconnected or distant from their children (not intentionally, of course). They may feel numb and less invested in their parenting role.
Second, some mothers may experience emotional exhaustion. They are fatigued, drained, and feel they have nothing left to give.
Third, some experience loss of positive emotion; they no longer experience reward or joy in their parenting.
Fourth, they experience emotional contrast. They compare the parent they were (or wanted to be) to the parent they have become, and they are disappointed. They are not meeting their own expectations for how they should be as a parent.
Burned-out moms can experience any combination of these experiences, and to varying degrees. Not surprisingly, these areas of burnout are all associated with increased likelihood of anxiety, depression, and decreased well-being (4). Many mothers experience this burnout privately. They put on the bright smile at the PTO meetings, say yes enthusiastically to the new committee at work, and do all they can to keep it all together. Wearing this mask and hiding pain creates another level of exhaustion that slowly chips away at the soul.
Is This Normal?
Let's get one thing straight. You are not alone. You are not "crazy." You are human. Parental burnout is a very common human experience. A survey showed that 65% of working parents were experiencing burnout (5). Another survey of working mothers showed that 81% were experiencing burnout, oftentimes related to the impact of being the "default parent" while working (6). These burnout experiences are not limited to working mothers; stay-at-home mothers also experience a great deal of burnout. Over half of stay-at-home mothers experience burnout "always" or "frequently" (7). So if we define normal as common, then the answer would be yes, this is normal. However, I don't believe it's that simple. Normal is not simply defined as common or statistical occurrence. Normal is also defined by health and adaptiveness. Mom burnout is not something we should have to accept as normal. Instead, I believe we should treat burnout as a common symptom of a societal ailment--that today's women are simply carrying more responsibility than is humanly possible to sustain over the course of parenthood.
What Can be Done About it?
Before thinking of workable solutions. It can be helpful to think about what has not been a workable solution in your own life. It is human to react to problems through a variety of unhelpful ways. Think about your own experience as a burnt-out mother. Outside of cloning yourself, what have you considered? Or what have you tried... has it worked? Here are some common attempts at coping (that we have found to be not so helpful) that I've heard:
Work harder. Just lock in and do it.
Hyperfocus on your child's well-being and ignore everything else.
Put on the mask--fake it until you make it.
Quit your dream job...you can't do it all anyway.
Succumb to the madness. No more self-care, social time, or exercise. No need to want more from your marriage. Just do a full send on momming and cleaning.
Technology! DoorDash those groceries, ChatGPT that scenario, scroll endlessly to avoid/numb the pain. Go down the Google rabbit hole of ailments and remedies.
Rage. Yell at your partner, the kids, the dog. This can't go on.
Don't judge yourself if you see yourself in these examples. It's human. A lot of these examples fall into various forms of control, avoid, and explode--all hazards of being human in this world. And one person can oscillate between all three in a given week.
Control: When we are struggling psychologically, gripping tightly and trying for perfection or certainty can give us a sense of security. Examples: Let's find the perfect outfit for school. Let's plan the perfect soccer game snack. Let's make certain my baby is hitting all the developmental milestones ahead of time. This gives us a sense of security (temporarily), but is not sustainable and burns us out more.
Avoid: Our sense of failure or incompetence may be too painful to face, and thus we may let go of the wheel entirely and shut our eyes. Avoidance is sneaky and can look like a lot of different behaviors. Examples: drinking alcohol or using drugs, eating more than we can handle, working too much, sleeping too much, scrolling too much, disengaging from our children, or shutting out feelings entirely. It keeps the pain at bay temporarily, but it comes right back when we notice our parenting behavior is incongruent with how we want to be.
Explode: We get dysregulated. The mask drops, the cap pops off, and suddenly we are yelling at our children or acting in a way that makes us unrecognizable to ourselves. Anger is a defensive reaction, and the aggressive behavior is meant to defend ourselves from the threat of constant pressure, demands, and lack of control. We feel good for a moment. It's cathartic. But then enters the guilt and shame. This is not the type of parent we want to be, and the behavior reinforces the underlying fear that we just aren't cutting it. We feel like bad mothers again, and the cycle continues.
These coping strategies, while common and understandable, don't result in positive outcomes. They all feed into the cycle of bad beliefs about ourselves as mothers. It can feel like we are stuck, spinning around, and unable to gain footing to get out. There is a way out, and the key is to remember perfection is not the goal. Change happens in small incremental steps. Here is an overview of some larger, step-wise processes for making meaningful change. Engaging in these steps through the help of a therapist is recommended.
Awareness. This can slow down the speed of the cycle you're caught in. You can see it more in slow motion and notice opportunities for a foothold or leverage to break the cycle.
Notice what coping strategies you are using most often.
Is it control? avoidance? explode?
Which one bothers you the most right now?
Don't worry about changing it yet.
First, monitor it. Understand it. Journal about what you noticed in the moment.
This will help you get a bird's-eye view and identify opportunities for change.
Do What Matters to You, even when You're Hurting. To break the cycle of controlling, avoiding, or exploding in response to pain--we need to know where to direct that energy. Where are you moving towards instead of away from? This can take some time to figure out. That's okay. Here are some tips.
What we value most is usually what triggers us the most.
For example, say you identify that yelling and being overly critical of your child is what bothers you the most about your attempts to cope with burnout right now.
This points to something important to you. It's telling you what kind of parent you want to be (Careful here; watch out for judgment and perfectionism).
Write down the opposite---this is your value. An example would be: "I want to be a kind, accepting mother."
Now, imagine a dartboard...the target is "kind, accepting mother" (It can be other things too. Such as "having screen-free family time," "having a hobby outside of social media scrolling," "less pressure on climbing the corporate ladder."
Okay, hear this: we aren't going to hit that target every time (can't be perfect). But what about hitting somewhere on the board a few times a day? Can that be good enough? You are probably already doing that, and we need to notice it more. Attachment research shows that that's all we need to be good parents. Good enough is enough.
Even when you mess up, you hit off the board entirely. You yelled again. Try to aim for the target again. What can you do? Repair and try again tomorrow.
Watch for judgments and convictions of yourself (e.g., "I'm a bad mom."). This is just a story your mind is telling you to help you be a good mom.
Your mind is raising the alarms with the "bad mom story", but we don't have to lean into it or adopt that label.
Say, "Thank you, mind, for trying to help me with the bad mom story. I am focusing now on what I can do that matters to me." Just let it be there along for the ride. It may still hurt a little. That's okay.
You can do what matters still. The pain is with you but does not control you.
It Doesn't Fall all on You; Look at your Surroundings and other demands
Look honestly at your day-to-day life and do an inventory of what tasks you hold (Fair Life card deck is great for this to do with your partner, if applicable). Ask if these tasks must be done right now. Can you dial back your expectations or delegate tasks to someone (and let them do it their way), to open up space for you to breathe or put time towards yourself? It may only give you 20 minutes a day at first. That matters. Here are some common examples where we can flex more than we think:
If you are partnered, are 71% of the household tasks on you (like most mothers)? If even stay-at-home, you shouldn't be "on the clock" 24 hours a day.
What's the goalpost on these tasks you own? For example, are you trying to have a perfectly clean home? Dish-free sink every day? Laundry always put away? (I'm writing this blog with three giant piles sitting next to me :)).
A home-cooked, well-balanced meal every night
Ironed, cute clothes on the children every day
Going above and beyond at work
Volunteering for every PTO event
Making every soccer game/practice
Making that Valentine's Day goodie bag so unique and special (whatever happened to just a small card?)
A trap we can fall into is trying to "flex" perfectly, trying to perfect coping skills that are meant to lessen perfection, or hit that new target every time...these are what we like to call "Dead person" goals. No living person on the planet can hit the target every time, and trying comes with a cost (more burnout). We won't undo every bad coping strategy overnight. Just keep looking at what you are moving towards, and remember to notice and celebrate when you get a dart on the board.
Still Overwhelmed and Don't Know Where to Start?
Again--that's human! Motherhood is both an incredible honor and equally hard and complex. We are juggling many things, and it can be overwhelming to try to think of a first step to take. Many times, there are other big life stressors going on (e.g., grief and loss, struggling marriage, new pregnancy, health issues) that further compound the stress. We can spiral into more judgment and feeling incompetent and hopeless. You're back in that whirlpool, struggling to find a foothold. If you are struggling to build that Awareness and understanding of what matters on your own, reach out today for therapy. Our clinicians can help slow the whirlpool down, notice where you can get a foothold, and help you move towards what matters in order to combat burnout. Our therapists are also trained in behavioral coping skills to utilize as you are trying to address the root causes of burnout and try to move towards what matters.
I'll leave you with one last visual to help you make sustainable changes (while also accepting uncertainty and good enough): We are kayaks in a river heading towards a destination. That destination is purpose/what matters to us. We will veer off course. We will hit a few rocks. We may even completely tip over, gash our leg, and struggle to navigate smoothly. That's human. Do we get back in the kayak (even though it hurts and our pride is damaged)? Are we still heading in the right direction (towards what matters, even though we are paddling as fast and are worried about falling out again)? If yes, great! We are trying to keep the boat moving, towards what matters, even when it's hard.
-Dr. C
Dr. C specializes in helping mothers identify root causes of burnout symptoms via psychological testing (involving ADHD testing) and therapy. Reach out today for a consultation.
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Weiner, S. (2023). The toll of maternal mental illness in America. AAMC News.
Lebert-Charron, A., Dorard, G., Wendland, J., & Boujut, E. (2021). Who are and are not the burnout moms? A cluster analysis study of French-speaking mothers. Journal of Affective Disorders Reports, 4, 100091.
Gawlik, E. et al. (2025). Burnout and Mental Health in Working Parents: Risk Factors and Practice Implications.
Motherly. (2024). Burnout in working moms: How mental load impacts their well-being. Motherly
https://www.mother.ly/health-wellness/burnout-of-being-a-working-mom/
Nattress (2022): Stay-at-home moms are not OK. Motherly.
